


Just Trying To Live Again

by Cinnamon (Sweet_Cinnamon17), Sweet_Cinnamon17



Category: Original Work
Genre: Child Abuse, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Abuse, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:40:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 3,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25427062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Cinnamon17/pseuds/Cinnamon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweet_Cinnamon17/pseuds/Sweet_Cinnamon17
Summary: I'm plagued by childhood trauma'sI'm both fucked up and misunderstoodI keep getting flashbacks to things I don't want to rememberI get lost pretending to be humanI wish I could be the perfect daughter...Yet I turn that pain into powerI turned my wounds into wisdomWhat's coming it better than what's goneI think it's time to feel happy againBecause this is just the beginningIt's time to write a new storyIt's time for the next chapter
Kudos: 4





	1. A Note

Well... it seems that I finally had the balls to publish this so.. yeah.

After I finished my first poetry book I didn't think I'd continue to write poetry again, but then I started thinking... and thinking led me to feeling and that led me to writing.

A lot that I'm going to write about is a very sore subject. It's not something I openly talk about or even mention. I've tried to keep it hidden from my life on here for obvious reasons, but I think it's finally time to write about it.

I'm really scared to actually publish this since it's so, so personal. These are my private thoughts and I'm a very, very private person. I don't actually talk about personal stuff unless it's to close friends so this is a big step for me.

I think the theme of this book is pretty clear, it's not completely focused on love/ revenge like the last one was, but more about recovery and moving on.

I mean there will still be some theme of love in it, but it's not the main focus, it's just sort of... there.

I don't want to outwardly say what the theme is since I'm not confident enough to write it directly and put it out there, but if you're curious you can message me about it and hopefully I can give you an answer.


	2. That Single Moment

Every day I wake to the feeling of being held

In that single moment when I'm still asleep 

I feel your hands holding me

Your arm draped over my body

Holding me

Sometimes I can feel you

Lying next to me

I can feel your breath

How can you know me

When I've never met you

When I don't know you

In that single moment

I believe you're here with me

In that single moment I imagine

Who you are

In that single moment 

I'm floating on a sea of happiness

I'm no longer lonely

In that single moment I feel complete

That single moment before I wake 

I'm so in love with you

I don't ever want to leave 

I'm so in love with the idea of you 

I trick myself into thinking you're here with me

The first thing I feel when I wake

Is that you're not here with me


	3. That Dream

That dream where you're scared

Running away from whatever's after you.

The dream that makes you feel too deeply

The one that you never want to leave.

It's the one that terrifies you

Making you believe it's real.

It makes the pain you feel

Into something more

But you're not in control.

It's the dream that makes you cry.

Waking up to wet pillows

Wet eyes.

It's the dream you want to forget

The one you want to remember forever.

You can't stop thinking about it

No matter how hard you try.

It's the dream that makes you want to throw away life

And live to the last day.


	4. I Can't Forget

I'm trying to put the past behind me

I'm trying to write a better history

Moving past the pain and the trauma

Moving away from old scars

I hate that I can't forget

I hate that I still flinch

My heart drops suddenly 

And I feel tense

I know things are different

Everything has changed

But these old memories never fade

Going from one way of life 

To a complete other

I'm no longer scared

But I still remember

A deer caught in headlights

Fight or flight

I'm no longer on edge

In fact I enjoy the company

But I can't seem to forget the trouble

Maybe you broke me more than I thought

Perhaps I'm beyond repair

I've forgiven you so much

But that anxiety is still there


	5. What I've Turned Into

I'm not my trauma

I'm not my Father

I want to be better

But I'm stuck in the past

Living in the present

I'm turning into a monster

I'm turning into my abuser

Snipping and sniping

My guard is always up

My temper is too short

I'm always angry

I know it's my fault

I can't calm down

I'm always on edge

I still get ignored

I don't think I'm abusing my power

I'm just taking charge

They still don't listen

They even wind me up for fun

I know I should ignore it

But I'm too pissed off

One thing's for sure

I can't wait to get out of this house


	6. Can I Trust You

I know I can trust you

When I tell you all my darkest fears

When I show you the side of me

The side I try and hide

Will you know

When I'm at the lowest I can be

Do you deserve to see me smile

Will you know when I'm lying

Fake laughing

Fake smiling

Can I confide in you

When I'm broken down crying

If I show you all my scars

Will you cover them?

Can you ease my pain

When I'm lying awake haunted

Would you love me enough for both of us

Because I still have trouble

Looking in the mirror

If I show you all the darkness I hide

Would you run 

Or will you help me 

turn on the light


	7. I Swear It Was An Accident

Waking up to a burning pain

Fingers trailing over my neck

Skin and blood under my nails

Anxiety pumping

Neck burning

Grabbing a mirror and flipping it open

Trails of scratch marks 

Red raw skin

The mirror reflects

My burning flesh

Staring in horror

At what I've done

Quick to pass judgement

I hear her say

She's too busy admiring her reflection

She's still looking in the mirror

Crying from pain and horror

My neck burns as I move

Wiping away my tears

I climb out of bed

Holding my head 

I go downstairs.


	8. The Way I See Myself

I can't trust what I see

The reflection feels like lies

Some days it doesn't bother me

On those days I feel life

Other days I look without seeing

Buying size 16

Because that's what I think will fit

Only feeling pretty when I'm hungry

Some days I can eat without being worried

After working so hard

I see myself for what I am

But one comment brings it all crashing down

Not eating

Exercise becomes controlling

Deep down I know

My worth is not how I look

I'm still feeling judged from the outside

Wishing I could look like the girls in the pictures

Panicking when the dress is too fitted

Even though I'm still the same

My mind makes me believe I'm overweight


	9. Stuck In The Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! Mentions of suicide

I'm so full of anger

So full of resentment

It makes me feel self centered

But I can't help it

I'm so stuck in the past

I can't move on

I know it's not their fault

I know they're doing their best

Yet I can't help thinking

If they loved me back then

Would I be so hurt?

If they looked for me while I hid in that cupboard 

Would I even have been hiding?

They still don't know

Just how much I'm hurting

These thought turn on and off 

Like a switch

Thoughts of feeling unloved

Forgotten

Believing that dying would make them care

The thought of death feels like an old friend

I've known it so long

It's always been there

I still wonder

If I killed myself back then

Would they even find my body?

Believing they'd lie

About my suicide

Thinking they'd jump for joy

Or they wouldn't care

Knowing now how they'd react later

Carving into my headstone

Attention seeking liar

I'm so angry I'm tired

Stuck in the past

I have no strength to move forward


	10. I'm Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!! Talks about suicide

17 years old and this is where I am

Sitting on my bed

Shaking from the rage

Crying from the hatred

I'm so mad

I'm going crazy

Out of my mind

I want to die 

The hate u gave me really fucked me up

It doesn't matter

Those brats will just take my place

I'm tired of all this

I can't keep living

I'm not suicidal

I've stopped caring

Swallow some glass

Some acetone should do it

Slicing my wrists just to make sure

Fall off a roof

Hang my neck in a noose

Does it even matter?

I'm done trying to deal

I'm done with caring

I'm tired of my brain going crazy

I'm not okay anymore

I'm going completely INSANE

God I feel like I'm 13


	11. I Want To Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!! Mentions of abuse and talk of suicide

Everything about them

Pisses me off so much

The way she screams 

She doesn't have a reason

She screams 

In a way I never dared to

Even when I was thrown across the room

My whole body beaten

I never screamed

When my hair was pulled

And my face was hurting

I swallowed the urge

Cast aside

Forgotten

Unloved

I lost my voice

My will to live

I hate them so much 

I want to get out

I want to kill them

Born in different era's 

They don't understand

I want to scream so bad

I want to die

Throw me off a roof

Swallow those pills

I DONT CARE

I can't live here anymore

I can't live with THEM

I'm losing my mind

One way or another

One of us is going to FUCKING DIE

They don't deserve to see me smile

They don't deserve my compassion

They're the reason for this horrible depression

They don't need me

They have Mum and Dad

I may sound crazy

And selfish

But after 16 years

I'm not surprised


	12. The Biggest Decision I'll Ever Make

I don't want to rush

I should take my time

Caught in this crossfire

Between responsibility and desire

The cons are weighing up

But I need someone there

What if I end up hurt again

What if things go wrong

A life changing decision

It's all up to me

Watching movies to help me think

Still can't decide

With all my emotional luggage and trauma

Mental health problems to boot

There'd be no way in hell 

Someone would love me

The lists

The pros

The cons

The stress and anxiety

No or yes

Am I ready?

Should I tell them?

I'm torn between my responsibility

And falling in love

What if it all becomes too much

What if I'm not as ready as I think I am

One thing is very clear

I can't make a decision 

Even if it's the most important one of my life


	13. I Wish I Was Normal

Sometimes it feels like my heart is made of glass

Delicate and soft

Shattering when someone yells

It's not my fault I jump

I've seen thing I want to forget

Imagine growing up

To unrealistic expectations

They want you to be perfect

Not taking anything less

Knowing that you'll never amount 

Forever a disappointment 

Through all the manipulation

All the head fuckery

Sympathising and crying

With Tonya and Azula

Victim or survivor

Sometimes one

Or the other

I feel a mixture of them both

When I get flashbacks

To all the trauma

Marching on

Telling myself it's done

Trying to move on

My what a privilege it must be

To be normal


	14. My Favourite Cup

Every time something breaks

I still expect to her that thundering yelling

Feet stomping down the stairs

Standing there frozen

Waiting for my punishment 

Now every time something breaks 

I cry

From anger

From sadness

Instead of beatings I'm comforted

Now it's something of mine

A cup

One of my favourites

Handpicked and bought by my hand

A part of me want him to get the same punishment

I want to break everything dear to him

I ask for very little

Just to be left alone

For my things not to be touched

Yet still I'm ignored

Oh well what can I say

It's only my possessions 

I guess it doesn't really matter

No one cares enough to respect what I want anyway

It was just my favourite cup


	15. Watching K-pop Videos

Watching all these videos

It feels so nostalgic

I start looking closer

Their waists are so tiny

Their legs are like pencils

They're all so beautiful

They're all so slim

I start longing to look like them

I know how it goes

I can see it all play out

Frantically exercising

Hoping to see change

Everyday of looking in the mirror

Is still the same

Maybe if I stopped eating

I'd loose all the fat around my waist

Beating my body into shape

Chasing a dream I'll never catch

I just want to be thin

But nothing I do is enough

This dream is turning into a nightmare

This wish is out of control

I just wanted to be slim

To look like them

I'm holding onto this dream too tightly

I've become obsessed

I can't help it

Because it's too hard

To let it go.


	16. Wait Or Seek

I always told myself that I'd wait

I always said if love wants me

Love will find me

I wouldn't try and seek it out

Is this the right choice?

To wait and see?

Shouldn't I at least try

If I start looking now will I find what I seek

Or should I wait and see

What if it's him

Or him

Or him

If I wait I could be missing out

If I don't I could miss out

Yes or no

Wait or seek

When push comes to shove

Do I really have faith that love will find me if I wait

What if I start looking

Just to begin

What if I've already missed out

On The One


	17. My Blurry Picture

I never let anyone see my full picture

Nobody know the full truth

I don't want to think about it

I don't want to tell them

These secrets make me feel safe

I can act like I'm normal

I want so badly to say it

But what if they leave me

Like he did

Once I say it there's no take backs

It changes everything

When people know too much

I want to stop talking

The truth is terrifying

I can't risk them knowing

These secrets feel safe

But they also drive me insane

I'm sorry I don't tell you

But it feels safer this way


	18. It's Sad

I find it sad

That on days like this

With the sun shining and warm

The sky is clear and blue

I think back to when I was a child

The few happy moments I have

My parents aren't there

My aunt and uncle take their place

They where the ones who made me laugh

They spent all their free time with us

They made me feel at ease

Because home life gave me too much anxiety

Now things have changed

Things are better

I don't see them anymore

But it doesn't really matter

Is it bad that I hate them

After all they did for us

But they're not fixing things

And I feel caught in the middle

Now my parents are here

And I feel good

I still think back to those days 

That moment seems so perfect

The sad thing is

My parents weren't in it


	19. It's On The Tip Of My Tongue To Tell You

It's times like these

With the arguing and screaming

My anxiety is hopping

And I stop what I'm doing

I just want to tell someone

I don't want to be alone

The door slams shut

And in that moment I'm back 

I'm at the edge of the abyss

I've spent so long 

Putting up my walls I called 'normal'

I'm ashamed of my past 

It always comes back to haunt me

As soon as I tell you

These walls come crumbling down

And I don't think

I can ever put them back up again

The good thing about texting

Is you don't see my tears as I type

'I'm doing well'

And I keep the conversation going 

Pretending that everything is normal.


	20. I'm Hiding For You All

In a place so crowded I feel happy

I'm hidden

It doesn't really matter what I say

Yet no matter how hard I try 

I still feel alone

No matter how much we talk

Nothing is being said

You all make me feel less lonely

But I'm still hiding

I want to tell you

I need to talk

the moment I try and bring it up

I stop

I can't talk

It's a secret you'll never know

It's my problem 

If I tell you I'll just be a burden

I want to smile

I want to laugh

I want to be open

But I can't

Instead I'm here 

Trying not to cry

Avoiding your messages

Until I feel like I'm fine.


	21. I'm That Girl

I'm the girl guys love

By liking the same things they do

By not objecting

Not causing trouble

I sound so stuck up

So privileged saying that people fall for me

I feel like I'm a slut

It feels like my friends are judging me

When I come to them with boy problems

It's not my fault

That I have a personality guys like

It feels like a curse

I can never relax

It feels like I can never just be friends

In case it turns into something more

Am I really the rebound girl?

Or am I just a slut?

I feel like both

Even though I swore off guys

It doesn't stop them

Falling for me


	22. Me

Sometimes I just don’t feel like talking

Reading the chat silently

I want to say something

But it feels like you'll know

That something's wrong

Sometimes I can’t hide

No matter how hard I try

I’m not Cinnamon

I’m me

Broken

Hurting

Depressing

Me

Even if my life’s sweet like cinnamon

I just remember

Cinnamon’s also spicy

Some days it’s more spicy

Than sweet

No matter how much sugar I try to add

It’s still me

That’s hiding behind the all laughing emojis


	23. Screaming For Help

I've been broken too many times

Beaten down

Cast aside

My trust is fragile

I'm too vulnerable

How can I trust people

When all they've done is hurt me

I'm scared

That I'd cry during sex

Not because it hurts

But because I don't deserve it

I don't deserve soft hands when all I've known is hard

No matter how much I say I'm fine

The truth is I'm crippled inside

All the pain and anxiety

Trauma and depression

I try so hard not to show it

Secretly trying to fix myself 

Because 'I'm fine' 

Should never have to sound like screams of help

Every damn time I say it


	24. I Caused All This Trouble

I really want to write

I need to pour out my feelings

But I feel so fucking numb

I'm trying to think

There's too much going on

I'm so so exhausted

I just don't know what to do

It feels like i'm caught in the crossfire

In the middle of a messy divorce

No matter what you say

It's all my fucking fault

If I just kept it all to myself

If I just didn't tell them

Maybe things wouldn't be so broken

Maybe we could mend it

I feel so fucking guilty

Now I know

Just repress all these horrible emotions

Everything hurts

I'm too mentally exhausted

I just can't comprehend

How it got this terrible

You know

It's times like this

Where being dead

Feels like the best option


	25. Just A Poem

I think it's time to tell you

The secret that I keep

The part of me that I hate

The trauma I have faced

You've read through my book

I've hinted at the worst

It's just so hard to move on

Too accept what they've done

My past keeps haunting me

And now it's getting harder to write

I want to end the book here

No note

Just a poem

Because you see I'm a victim

I've been abused

I've been manipulated

I've been let down

My trust has been broken

By the people I trusted the most

I've been pushed down

Forgotten

Thrown around a room

My mind messed with

I learned to put up walls

Not making any sudden moves

Hiding true feelings

Repressing all unwanted emotions

You honestly don't know half of the abuse

I'm not lying when I say I should be dead right now

I tried too hard to die

But no matter how many pills I took

Or how deep I cut

Strangling and beating myself

I was forced to live

I've seen people change

I've seen people move on

I've seen people stuck in the past

I've seen people laugh

I've also seen them cry

Moving on from my past is so hard

You don't understand

That was a whole way of life

It happened all the time

My mind won't let me forget

No matter how hard I try

It's so hard to tell people

It feels like a burden

Feeling stuck in the past

With no way forward

I'm so sick of always being manipulated

It hurts me so much

Even if you don't realise it

They say the bravest thing I've ever done

Was to continue living

But I feel like writing all these poems

Full of deep meaning

Was braver by far

Than not dying


End file.
